Sometimes silence can be the loudest scream
by Kayxxx
Summary: Ethan discovers he needs his brother, now more than ever, right as his brother is about to leave. Will he speak out? Ethan struggles with some new found, pretty life-changing information, but he is determined to keep everything as normal as he possibly can...Ethan, is that really the smartest of ideas?
1. Chapter 1

**Hi everyone! I'm back! Today is the first of my summer posting, it's a story I started a while back, back with the whole Ethan, Cal and Taylor business, but I never got round to publishing it until now. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who suggested ideas for future stories, they were all amazing and I can't wait to get started on them. If anyone has any suggestions for Casualty stories please leave them in the reviews or pm me and I'll try to get back to you as soon as I can.**

 **Here's my newest addition to my stories, I hope you enjoy, please let me know what you think. As you know I always try to post daily once I've started on a new story and so I'll try my best to stick to that. Anyways, happy reading, Kayxxx :)**

 **(Re-upload as some people were having issues reading)**

 **Chapter One**

Today was a day that Ethan Hardy had been dreading for weeks. There were a few days that he'd dreaded throughout his lifetime, the day he had to say his final goodbyes to his mother being the main by far. Though this dread, never crossed his mind once. Never did he think things would be so different, so opposite, so...wrong. Yet as his 6am alarm clock woke him from a sleepless night, he got up, dressed and headed for the hospital. This is where the difference kicked in, today he was not "hard working, excellent Doctor Hardy" he was simply, "Ethan Hardy...patient."

He pulled out an envelope he'd kept hidden since the day he received it, he told himself it was so no one else found it but deep down he knew it was because he didn't want any of this to seem real. Today was the day he was going to get back his results from countless amounts of tests that had been secretly carried out on him over the last couple of tiresome weeks. As he worked in the ED of Holby general hospital, his journeys to get tested were stressful involving in him mainly dodging members of his colleagues by entering the hospital through the main entrance, instead of his usual entry through the ED. Though it may seem silly, this tactic had worked so far. That was until today.

Police had cornered off the main entrance to the hospital.  
"Um, excuse me, I have an appointment" Ethan explained awkwardly to a police man who stood his guard.  
"You'll have to use the other entrance" he replied.  
"No you don't understand, I'm a doctor, at this hospital, I have an important appointment concerning things I'd rather my colleagues not find out about and if I go through the other entrance, that's exactly the opposite of what will happen." Ethan continued, hoping to sway the policeman's view.  
"I'm sorry you'll have to use the other entrance, I can't prioritise, this is a serious matter, I'm sure you understand doctor" He reasoned.  
"But I-" Ethan was cut off.

"Ethan!" Zoe called from across the parking lot as she made her way over to him.  
"Great" he mumbled under his breath as he forced out a smile in Zoe's direction.  
"God I didn't have you down as the nosey kind! So give us the goss, what's happened?" Zoe asked sneakily as she pulled Ethan toward the ED.  
"I'm not sure, I heard someone mention something about a knife but I could be mistaken" he replied, uninterested.  
"Oh God, what a great way to start off a Monday morning!" She replied sarcastically "I'm sure Guy will know more" she added with a wink.  
"Anyway, I didn't know you were on shift this morning?" She continued, changing the subject.  
"Yes well, that's because I, um, I'm not" Ethan mumbled awkwardly. "I, uh, I'm here to see if I've left some paperwork in my locker which I've been looking for all weekend, though it could be at home, it's impossible to find anything there at the moment with Cal moving out and all, I suppose this is really just an excuse to get of there for a bit" he stated.  
"Ah, so you're really going through with this Cal moving out thing then?" She asked surprised.  
"Yes" he sighed, "it will be nice to see the floor of my flat for the first time in months, he's such a clutter bug it's unreal" he joked, with a hint of seriousness as they headed through the ED doors and parted going their separate ways.

Ethan made his way to the staff room, to make his story believable incase Zoe just so happened to see him head upstairs. Once sure the coast was clear he hurried out of the staff room and into the lift which took him straight to the floor he needed. He smiled to himself as he couldn't believe he'd actually just made it through that situation without being caught out, though the whole dilemma had left him slightly out of breath. As the lift door opened and he was met by his doctor who greeted him by "Oh Ethan, right okay if you could just take a seat in my office, I'll be right through, would you like a cup of tea or glass of water or anything? You don't look right at all" he didn't know whether it was the tone in which his doctor approached him in or the fact he offered him tea or water which was always what he would do when delivering bad news to a patient, tea and sympathy, but it made it clear to him that this was no time to be smiling.


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's the next chapter, what news will Ethan's doctor have for him? I'm happy to hear so many people are enjoying this story so far. Only a short chapter today but hopefully it won't disappoint. Please let me know what you think, always love hearing your thoughts! See you all tomorrow for another chapter update, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

Chapter Two

"Okay so we got back your test results today and-" Ethan cut him off his doctor off.  
"Oh please just cut to the chase, I'd rather you just tell me straight" Ethan pleaded.  
"I'm afraid it's not good news. You are currently in the early stages of prostate cancer" Doctor Humphrey replied. "Luckily it's in early stages so we can begin treatment like radiotherapy..." the doctors voice slowly disappeared and Ethan completely blanked out.

His entire body was filled with a numbness that ran from head to toe. Everything, the sound of people outside, the distant ring of a telephone, the clock in the room that quietly ticked away, his doctor's explaining, everything, completely faded away. All he could hear was himself breathing, deeply, as if he'd just ran a marathon. He felt a hand place gently on his knee.

"Ethan?" A distant voice called. "Ethan? Are you with me?" The same voice called again yet this time it seemed louder, "Ethan?" Said his doctor.  
He was back, along with the people outside, the ringing telephone, the ticking clock and his doctor, who was now kneeled down before him.  
"I understand this is a lot to take in" he sympathised.  
"There, there must be some mistake" Ethan whispered shaking his head.  
"I'm afraid there is no mistake" his doctor replied sadly.  
Ethan swallowed hard and fixed his eyes on the ground.

"Maybe it's best to re-schedule this appointment, we can talk again about steps forward when you're not as overwhelmed, just go home and have some time to yourself, to relax, and try not to do the natural thing and think the worst straight away okay? We're in a good position here" he explained confidently with a smile. "Do you have any family members?" He asked.  
"..um yes, a brother" Ethan replied slowly.  
"Of course! Cal! Right well you're going to need him, now more than ever! Family support is one of the most helpful ways of dealing with news like this" he explained. "As you probably already know" he added "you probably know a fair amount about prostate cancer already, with you being a doctor-"

Ethan cut him off, "I know that it's one of the most common causes of cancer death in men, I was reading up on it just last week for patient research, In 2012 in the UK it was something around 10,800 men died from prostate cancer, which is 30 every day. 30 men a day died!" Ethan rambled on.  
"That doesn't mean you'll be one of those 30!" His doctor argued.  
"My father died of prostate cancer" Ethan sighed sadly.  
"Ethan get yourself home, clear your head, you need to stay positive!" His doctor ordered, to which Ethan replied to with a scoff.

"Did you find them?" Zoe smiled as she spotted Ethan slowly make his way through reception, he seemed deep in thought. He looked as though he were mumbling something to himself as he wondered aimlessly toward the door.  
"What?" Ethan asked confused, snapping from his thoughts.  
"Did you find your paperwork?" She asked.  
"Oh, um no, they must be at home" he lied.  
"Hey Ethan! I've just got off the phone with my new housemate, he's all packed and will be moved in by tonight, we'll be having beers and pizza to celebrate! You coming round?" Max called excitedly.  
Ethan just completely ignored him and headed for the door.  
"Ethan? Is everything okay?" Zoe called after him as they walked through the door. He didn't know how to answer, he couldn't bring himself to lie about this, was everything okay?! No. Nothing was okay!  
"Is this about Cal moving out? Are you regretting your decision?" She asked as she placed a cigarette between her lips.  
He stopped suddenly in his tracks and spun on his heels to face her, "No. To be honest Cal or any moving issues are the complete least of my worries right now" he replied sternly and stormed away.  
"Is this about the missing paperwork?" She called after him.  
"I'm sure they'll show up Ethan!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you all for your reviews on my story so far, it's nice to know so many are enjoying. I always love hearing your thoughts. Who's excited for Casualty tonight?! *raises hands*. Anyways, here is the next chapter, how will Ethan cope with his diagnosis? Hope you enjoy, please let me know what you think thanks, Kayxxx :)**

Chapter Three

Ethan shut the door behind him and wondered into his flat which looked surprisingly clean, he could see the floor. "Ethan is that you?" Cal called from the kitchen.

"Yes" he called back in reply; strangely, it felt good to hear his brother's voice.  
"Here" Cal smiled as he handed him a cup of tea "I was thinking of making it a beer but it's too early even for me, let's have our last drink together as flat mates ay?" Cal proposed as he took a seat on the couch.  
"You're all packed then?" Ethan asked as he observed the bags and boxes lying around.  
"Yep, I'm all ready to leave" he replied. Ethan smiled sadly, "are you okay? You look a bit flushed" Cal spoke slightly concerned.  
"Yeah, I think I might just be coming down with something that's all" Ethan lied.  
"Aw bless, do you want me to stay a bit longer so I can look after you?" Cal joked as he took a sip out of his tea. Ethan didn't reply. "Bet you can't wait to have this place to yourself" Cal spoke looking around the room.  
Ethan took a sip out of his tea, "you know what, I actually think I'm going to miss your awful attempts of making a cup of tea" he joked causing Cal to laugh.

He looked at his older brother, with the words his doctor had spoke echoing through his mind, and spoke hesitantly, "Cal, I've got some news-" he was cut off by Cal's phone ringing.  
"Hold that thought" Cal spoke and answered his phone "hello?, What? Now?, yeah everything's packed I'm just-, oh okay, yeah now's fine then" he shot a glance at Ethan. "Okay, I'll leave in a minute, just gotta say my goodbyes to the little bro" he laughed with a wink; Ethan shook his head with a smile. "Okay, see you soon, bye!" He placed the phone back in his pocket. "That was Max, he's just finished work and wants me to go over there now" Cal explained.  
Ethan looked up surprised "what already?!"  
"Yeah" Cal replied hesitantly, "what was it you wanted to say?" He asked.  
"What?" Ethan replied confused, giving him time to think, how was he supposed to tell Cal about his condition now? Ethan was finally getting what he'd pushed to get for months, his brother moving out, yet the thought of that suddenly ached his heart. If he told Cal his news then Cal would go back to how he was back in October when Ethan had the car crash, pitter pattering around him as if he were a small child who needed guidance with every single task the day would bring, could he really put up with caring Cal again? Silence. That seems like a good idea...  
"Before Max called, you said you wanted to say something?" Cal spoke trying to jog his memory.  
"Oh you know what, I can't even remember now" Ethan smiled. "Must've been a lie" Cal smirked, "Well..I guess this is goodbye then" he smiled sadly.  
"God you say it as though I'm never going to see you again, you're only staying on Max, Robyn and Lofty's couch! I'll still see you at work and...at, well, just work." Ethan spoke slowly in realisation, the only time he'd see his brother from now on was at work.  
"I'm not going to lie, I think I'll miss your moaning" Cal joked.  
"And I think I'll miss your mess" Ethan replied.  
"Well then, goodbye Ethan" Cal smiled awkwardly.  
"Goodbye Caleb" Ethan replied and held out his hand for a handshake.  
Cal ignored Ethan's hand and instead pulled him in for a hug.  
"Thanks for putting up with me for so long" Cal chuckled.  
"My door is always open okay Cal?" Ethan replied.  
"Right" Cal pulled away from his little brother, "here's to new beginnings" he smiled, and within minutes he was gone. Ethan was left sitting alone in his now empty living room.  
He'd never known the flat to be so quiet, Cal would always have some kind of music blasting, but now he was gone, there was nothing to hear but the living room clock that ticked.

Ethan sat there and watched day turn to night. He didn't know what to do with himself. All he did know was the sound of the ticking clock was driving him insane. He stood up and walked over to his stereo, which was covered in dust due to it's lack of use, he pressed a button and a song began to play. "Special angel" by Bobby Viton. It was a song that meant so much to him, yet he hadn't heard it in over a year now, this was his mother's favourite song, she'd always sing it to him and his brother when they were children. He turned the volume up to it's highest - as Cal would usually have it - and took his seat back on the couch, pulling his knees up to his chest. The last thing he wanted was to be alone with his thoughts but here, on the most dreaded, frightening and upsetting day of his life, when all he wanted was somebody by his side, he found himself alone. He pulled out a leaflet that his doctor had given him to read over, "living with prostate cancer" he took one look at it and his heart sunk. He got a sudden rush of anger taking over him, he was angry at the fact he was alone because he'd thrown the last person he had in the world away, angry at the fact that of all the people in the whole of the world, he, turned out to have this condition, why him? He was a good person! He'd always done his best to be the best he could be, he'd follow every rule, go out of his way to make others happy, and for what?! To be given this death sentence of a condition. He crumpled up the leaflet and threw it across the room, he pulled his knees back up to his chest and broke down completely. Tears were streaming down his face, with the only thought in his mind being..."why me?".


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello everyone! *spoiler from last night's episode* How heart breaking was last night's Casualty? I cried so much it's unreal poor Cal and Ethan missing their mum; I wanted to give them both a massive hug! Yesterday's episode reminded me a bit of a story I posted a few months ago called "Dealing with Death" where Ethan had to step in for a patient's son as she died, like how Cal did last night which I thought was quite cool haha. Anyways, here's the latest chapter this story, I hope you all enjoy. Please let me know what you think! I'm happy that so many of you are enjoying reading and I hope my chapters continue to please, thank you, Kayxxx :)**

Chapter Four

Ethan was awoken at 6am by the sound of his alarm ringing. He opened his eyes to find himself lying on the couch. For a few split seconds everything felt normal, his alarm woke him at the usual time, he could hear one of his favourite sounds of the birds outside singing their morning song cheerfully, the sunlight was shining through the curtains, everything felt peaceful, beautiful, normal...but then soon enough, those split seconds ended and reality hit in. He looked down to find himself covered in papers that he'd began to write out, letters to people he cared about, words he wanted to say but knew he never could bring himself to say them. He'd written and written until he could no longer keep his eyes open and had eventually fallen asleep mid-letter to Cal at about 4am.  
Each piece of paper was tearstained, his writing was messy, and most of it probably made no sense what so ever. It was his way of venting, though his venting had rambled on through at least four pages of lists and letters. He would read them back, but not right now, he had to get ready for work. He placed his papers to the side and began to get ready, as he normally would. During his venting last night he had came to the conclusion within himself that he would keep everything as normal until physically impossible, a day which he hoped would never come.

Ethan got to work at the normal time, got changed into his scrubs as he normally would do and began treating his patients, as normal. Though today, he could feel something nibbling at him. Each patient he treated went from a stomach bug, to a fever, to an allergic reaction to plasters which brought out a rash, to tonsillitis, to a broken leg, all of which seemed to test his patience, greatly. They all seemed so minor; he would kill to be in the position of any of the patient's he had treated today whose conditions can be easily treated and cured, but no.

"...It may not come down to it but you could possibly need surgery" Ethan concluded, looking up from his patient's notes.  
"What if I lose my leg? What if I never walk again doctor please, help me, you can't-" Ethan cut his whimpering patient off.  
"Listen, you're not going to lose your leg and it will take some time but you'll be walking as normal again soon enough. I'm here to help you. I can promise you that this time next year this will be the last thing on your mind. You're going to be absolutely fine Ellie, and as a doctor I'm not allowed to say that unless I am 100% certain it's the truth, there's nothing to worry about okay? I'm here for you" He smiled reassuringly at his patient who sighed with relief.  
"Thank you"  
He turned out the cubicle and headed to receive his next patient.

"That was a lovely speech Ethan, you really made her feel at ease" Zoe smiled politely as Ethan stopped beside her, fiddling with some papers.  
"People need to stop being so dramatic, she had a broken leg that's all, there are people out there who are dying, who actually have something to worry about..It's pathetic." He scoffed as he brushed passed her.  
"Ethan?" She called after him but he had soon disappeared down the corridor. Surprised was the only way to describe how she felt, had those words actually just come from him? These sounded like the type of words that would escape the likes of Dylan's mouth. Dylan didn't really do the whole "sympathy" thing, he'd much rather deal with a patient and then move on to the next. But no, these words did not come from Dylan Keogh's mouth, they came from Ethan's, which was _completely_ out of character. Ethan was a wonderful doctor, not only that but his bedside manner and level of care were also up there in the same category as his medical skills, which made him the best of the best, but evidently not today.

"Cal, have you spoken to Ethan today?" Zoe asked sheepishly.  
"No, why?" He replied looking up from his patient's notes.  
"Just wondering, so did you move out last night?" She continued.  
"Well, more like yesterday morning but yes" he smiled.  
"And you and Ethan left on good terms?" She asked.  
"Yes...Why?" The young man asked as he closed his notes and stood to his feet.  
"He seems sort of out of character today and I'm not sure why" she admitted.  
"He mentioned something about how he thinks he's coming down with something, maybe that's it?" He suggested looking for a solution.  
"Yes maybe" Zoe agreed with a smile.  
"Do you want me to talk to him?" Cal proposed.  
"No no, I'm sure everything's fine, he's probably just having one of those days" Zoe replied nodding understandingly.  
Cal smiled and wondered off with a whistle down the hall to continue with his day of work, forgetting his conversation with Zoe almost as quickly as it began.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi everyone! Back again with another addition to this story, slightly longer chapter tonight, how will Ethan deal with his first proper appointment since his diagnosis? So happy to hear some of you also thought of my story "Dealing with Death" when watching Saturday's ep! Anyways, here's chapter five of this story, please let me know what you think, thanks for the reviews on my last chapter, hearing your thoughts help out a lot when planning future chapters, thank you again, Kayxxx :)**

Chapter five

"Hello Ethan, how are you feeling today?" Doctor Humphrey asked as Ethan walked into his office.  
"Fine" he replied as he took his seat, "I can't stay long I'm on my lunch break, I don't want people wondering where I've gotten to" he explained.  
"Not to worry, I just really want to talk you through some treatment plans, it shouldn't take too long" the doctor smiled, Ethan let out a shaky breath. "How did you sleep last night?" He asked.  
"Fine" Ethan replied.  
"And how did Cal take the news?" He continued.  
"He, he was fine" Ethan replied hesitantly.  
"Fine?" The doctor asked.  
"Fine." Ethan concluded.  
"You really like the word fine don't you?" Doctor Humphrey teased.  
"Yes I do I, I think it's...fine" Ethan joked awkwardly causing the doctor to laugh.  
"Ethan you're a great person and I'm going to do everything in my power to get you through this okay?" His doctor spoke reassuringly.  
Ethan let out a breath that he didn't even realise he was holding in "thank you".  
"I imagined Cal would have wanted to be here with you today?" The doctor asked, Ethan didn't reply.

"Right let's get started, giving the fact we know the cancer hasn't localised as of yet, and you are currently in early stages, I think there's a possibility to beat the cancer using just radiotherapy alone, but that does depend on how rapidly it develops. Cancer is unique to everyone and there's no way of really knowing how fast the cancer will develop within people. If the radiotherapy doesn't work I think the next move would be surgery, you are young and fit and healthy enough to go through with surgery and so like I said yesterday, we really are in a good position here. So, the cancer-" the doctor was cut off,  
"Ugh you keep saying that word" Ethan sighed deeply.  
"What word? Cancer?" The doctor asked softly, Ethan winced as if the word brought him physical pain. "Ethan it's what you have, you have cancer" he spoke slowly trying to get through to him.  
"But I feel fine!" Ethan protested.  
"There's that word again!" The doctor picked out.  
"I know you may feel fine now, but soon enough you won't, I'm sorry to be so blunt but it's the truth and it seems to be the only way of getting through to you Ethan. You are working now but you're going to have to tell the ED soon, have time off whilst you go through treatment, you'll have to say it soon Ethan, you have cancer" Doctor Humphrey spoke sympathetically, "say it with me Ethan..."  
"No, not right now, I will do, I promise but please, just not right now" he shook his head and fixed his eyes on the ground.  
"...okay" his doctor agreed understandingly.

Ethan's phone began to ring; he pulled it out of his pocket to find it was Cal.  
"Is that your brother checking up on you?" His doctor smiled, and gestured for him to take the call.  
Ethan stepped out of the room and answered the phone.  
"Hello?" He swallowed hard.  
"Nibbles!" Cal called.  
"What?" Ethan rolled his eyes at the use of his childhood nickname.  
"Where are you?" Cal continued.  
"On my lunch break, why?" Ethan asked.  
"Can you help settle an argument for me?" Cal proposed.  
"..Okay" Ethan replied confused as to where this would lead.  
"Okay, so would you rather fight one horse-sized duck, or a hundred duck-sized horses?" Cal asked. Ethan could hear the smile in his brother's voice through the phone.  
"Seriously Cal? Nice to know you're fully focused on treating your patients" Ethan chuckled at his brothers immaturity and plain randomness, of all the arguments to settle this would certainly never cross Ethan's mind once.  
"Yes, me and Max have been having this argument since last night, he's been asking everyone in the ED trying to get them all on his side, even though he's wrong" Cal explained amusingly.  
"Well, what side are you on?" Ethan asked.  
"He can't tell you that would be cheating" Max called down the phone.  
"Oh you're on speaker by the way" Cal chuckled.  
"Okay, well a hundred duck-sized horses would be small, but fast, whereas the horse-sized duck would be giant, the thought of a horse-sized duck slightly terrifies me. If you go for the hundred duck-sized horses you could just kick them out of the way, there will be loads of them so they'll probably be bumping into each other a lot I think they would be really clumsy, it would be like having a hundred duck-sized Lofty's running around. I suppose you could just climb up high and get away from them whereas that would be harder with the horse-sized duck. Though with the horse-sized duck once it's dead it's dead, you could probably lasso it and-" he cut himself off "wow, why am I actually thinking this deep into it? I'm acting as if it's actually going to happen" Ethan laughed hysterically.  
"You never know" Cal laughed down the phone.  
"So what's your answer?" Max pushed.  
"A hundred duck-sized horses" Ethan concluded.  
"Yes! I win! We've officially asked everyone in the ED now, I win!" He could hear Cal celebrate down the phone.  
"Thanks for nothing Ethan, I thought we were friends" Max spoke sarcastically.  
"A horse-sized duck? Really Max?" Ethan chuckled.  
"Imagine saying you beat a horse- sized duck! What a story to tell" Max laughed.  
"Thanks Nibbles see that's what brothers are for!" Cal called, "Ethan come with us to the pub later, _Max is buying_ " Cal spoke putting empathises on the last part.  
"Hahaha, I will do" Ethan laughed and phone went dead.  
Ethan stood there for a moment, with a smile etched on his face at just how random the conversation he had just had with his actually brother was. They were both incredibly smart, talented medical professionals yet they got the giggles when talking about imaginary abnormally sized ducks and horses.

He turned and made his way back into the room where his doctor waited and took his seat once again. "Care to share the joke?" His doctor smirked at Ethan who sat trying to hold in his laugh.  
"Um..." He hesitated for a moment allowing himself to chuckle slightly, "Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck, or a hundred duck-sized horses?" He asked. Receiving a rather confused look from his doctor in return he burst into a fit of laugher. "My brother has just made me realise that in many ways, I'm in this very situation. Though it seemed as though I had have thousand duck-sized horses and ten horse-sized ducks to face, and then an entire mountain to climb. There are so any ways to deal with it but it all comes down to two conclusions...I could either run away or fight. But which would make the best story? Saying you once faced, fought and beat a thousand duck-sized horses and ten horse- sized ducks, or ran away from a thousand duck-sized horses and ten horse-sized ducks?" Ethan paused for an answer.  
"Beat them of course" his doctor replied.  
"Of course" Ethan smiled, he paused momentarily, deep in thought, before he looked up to his doctor with his chin held up high "Doctor Humphrey, I have cancer, and there's no way I'm running away from it, I'm defiantly going to beat it." he spoke confidently.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello everyone! I've decided to upload this chapter a bit earlier than normal today as I finished my daily tasks earlier than usual. I hope you have all had a good day! I spent the day getting lost on a university campus whilst meant to be attending lectures which was quite fun I suppose. Here is chapter six, it's only short but I hope you enjoy, please let me know your thoughts and thanks again for the reviews on my last chapter, I'm now going to relax with a nice cup of tea and work on some more chapters, Kayxxx :) x**

Chapter Six

This was the day, Ethan's first radiotherapy session. He pulled up outside Holby City hospital and looked up at the huge building with determination in his eyes, still with the mindset that he was going to beat this, alone. He took in a deep breath and made his way into the hospital where a nurse led him to the oncology ward. As they walked she attempted to make light conversation by asking him how he was feeling and talking about how the weather was nice to make him feel at ease, but Ethan was much too distracted by the people who surrounded him as he walked down the hallway. A woman slowly shuffled passed him, coughing violently into a tissue, she looked so small and fragile, on her head was a bandana hiding her loss of hair due to chemotherapy, though it was comforting to see her cradled in a younger lady's arm, who must've been her daughter. Ethan swallowed hard and followed them with his eyes as they passed him. Then an unconscious man was being wheeled towards him on a trolley, being pushed by a porter, two nurses and a doctor who followed closely to the side of his trolley watching him eagerly. Ethan watched the trolley disappear down the hall way with frightened eyes. Suddenly a woman walked out from the direction the unconscious man had been wheeled from, clutching tightly to her two young children, all three wept uncontrollably. "Don't worry kids, daddy's going to be fine" she spoke in attempt to reassure her crying children though still crying herself. Ethan's heart ached as he watched them walk away; he had watched an entire story unfold before him in just a few seconds. Seeing this had taken him right back to a moment in his past when his father had been admitted to hospital due to his condition taking a turn for the worse, he was young and so his memories were limited though he always remembered clinging on to his mother as he watched the doctors rush his father away down the corridor, little did he know his father would pass away a few hours later.

"Ethan?" The nurse called having seen him stop mid-corridor to watch the family walk away. The sound of his voice being called snapped him from his haunting memories "try not to worry Ethan" she smiled as she placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, "if you just wait here, Doctor Humphrey will call for you soon" she smiled and Ethan took his seat.

He sat in the waiting room anxiously fiddling with his keys in his hands that were shaking slightly and scanned is surroundings once more. Just to the left of him was a room titled "chemotherapy", to the right was a sign which read "radiotherapy" which was just down the hall. "You can do this, you can do this..." he mumbled quietly to himself repeatedly, as his breathing got heavier he could feel himself getting worked up, he kept his eyes fixed on one spot on the ground and used that to focus on, trying to calm himself. Ethan's spot on the ground was soon covered up by a pair of feet; Ethan looked up frantically to find an old man stood talking to a nurse.

"I just wish I had my family with me, it would make things feel a lot easier" the man spoke sadly, catching Ethan's attention.

"Where are they?" The nurse asked.

"They all live all over the place, I've got four children, seven grandchildren and two great grandchildren" he smiled proudly, "I used to have Mavis too but I lost her last year" he sighed, "she had cancer too, I'll be with her soon though" he added.

"No" Ethan spat out and reached in his pocket for his phone causing people to throw a few confused glances in his direction. He pressed a few buttons and held his phone to his ear and waited anxiously biting his lip, he fixed his eyes back on his spot on the ground.

"Hi it's Cal, sorry I can't take your call right now, if you leave a message I'll get back to you as soon as I can, thanks" Ethan sighed heavily and waited for the beep, though he had no idea what he was going to say. The beep rang, "Hi Cal, it's me..." His mind went blank, "can you call me back as soon as you get this please? I need to talk to you-" he cut himself off when he noticed his spot on the ground had been covered yet again, he looked up to find Doctor Humphrey smiling politely over him. Ethan put the phone down quickly and stood to his feet "right, are we ready to start this fighting?" His doctor spoke determined, "let's do it" Ethan replied shakily.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello everyone, here is today's chapter update; I hope you enjoy, please let me know what you think. Thanks again for your reviews on previous chapters, Kayxxx :)**

Chapter Seven

"What was I so worried about?" Ethan thought to himself as he walked down the hall side by side with Doctor Humphrey.  
"How did you think it went?" The doctor asked.  
"Great" Ethan smiled, "is there a chance I could be cured already? Because I feel great" he joked with his classic cheeky grin.  
"Ah if only it was that easy" the doctor smiled sympathetically in reply as they stopped outside of a room.  
"You would probably be out of a job though" Ethan smirked.  
"True" the doctor laughed, "it's good that you feel great though" he nodded, "it's a change from fine" the doctor joked.  
"Yes, it is" Ethan agreed.  
"Okay, well I'll see you at your next session" the doctor smiled.  
"Yes" he nodded and the doctor headed into the room.

As Ethan walked away he felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders, if every radiotherapy session was as simple as that then he is going to be fine, yeah the side effects might kick in soon but they're just like battle scars, he was actually quite looking forward to them, it's all part of the battle. It was when Ethan reached the end of the corridor did realised that he hadn't thanked his doctor for helping him, he always hated treating patients and not getting a simple "thank you" in return, manors cost nothing. He decided to make his way back to the room where he had left his doctor. As he reached it could hear Doctor Humphrey was in mid-conversation and so decided to wait outside until it was appropriate to walk in. He couldn't help but listen in.

"...so I'll only put him through a few weeks of radiotherapy, it might just work, but, I didn't like the look of his latest CT I think his condition is going to develop quite rapidly. I think it's best to be prepared to book him in for surgery and if that doesn't work then, I'm afraid we will be out of options for him. I really don't want to lose him though he's such a wonderful person." he heard Doctor Humphrey talk with a sigh.  
"This poor patient" Ethan thought to himself, "I'd hate to be in his position".  
"What's his name I'll pencil him in?" A lady replied.  
"Ethan Hardy" the doctor replied. His heart plummeted.

Ethan raced out of the hospital and straight for his car where he sat in silence. Thousands of thoughts and emotions were overpowering him, his breathing got heavy, his eyes brimmed with tears, soon enough he completely broke down. He hit the steering wheel hard as a way of getting out his anger (which was one of the many emotions running through him). He grasped hold of the wheel with his hands and rested his head against it as his tears continued to pour from his eyes. He thought about his future and how suddenly impossible it all seemed. All the beautiful aspects that life offered were all quickly fading away from his grasp and he hated himself for it. He thought about falling in love and getting married, travelling the world, having children, growing old, he thought about his work, his friends, his family, everything and everyone he would leave behind, everything he would never get to experience, every opportunity he had ever turned down, every time he had spent wasting his life on minor things that didn't matter at all when he could have gone out and lived instead, though with all these overpowering thoughts there was one that kept coming back...Cal.

And as if on cue Ethan's phone rang, it was his brother.

"Hi, you told me to call you?" Cal spoke down the phone.  
"Yes I um, I need to talk to you" Ethan spoke hesitantly.  
"Yeah you said in the message, are you okay?" Cal asked hearing the unusual doleful tone to his younger brother's voice.  
"Not really, no" Ethan admitted.  
"What's up? Should I be worried?" Cal replied beginning to get concerned.  
"No, yes, I'm not sure, I wasn't an hour ago but now I-" his rambling was cut off.  
"Ethan spit it out what's happened?" Cal urged, his feeling of concern growing more and more by the seconds.  
"...I don't even know where to start" Ethan whimpered.  
"Do you want me to meet you and we can have a talk?" Cal suggested.  
"No please, it's hard enough talking over the phone, seeing you face to face would make it even worse. I wrote you a letter explaining everything, I wasn't going to tell you at all, I was going to give you the letter after everything but- I can't do this alone Cal..." Ethan swallowed hard.  
"Ethan what's up?" Cal demanded.  
Ethan sighed deeply and he said it.

He told his brother everything from start to finish. He told him about all the tests that had been carried out on him, he told him about his diagnosis and how he wanted to go this entire thing alone. He told him about his first radiotherapy session, the lady who looked so ill, the unconscious man he saw and his crying family afterwards, he told him about the man with the four children, seven grandchildren, two great grandchildren, and how he hated being alone. He told him about how he thought of his father and how he missed him. He told him about although he felt the radiotherapy session went well he had overheard his doctor say that basically he was dying and he would soon be out of options and how the seriousness of his condition was finally hitting in. He told him about how he was sat in his car in the car park, unable to bring himself to start it. He told him he was dying and that honestly, he was scared, scared for himself but more so for the thought of leaving Cal, he apologised for having to put his brother through this again, as they had already experienced it with their father. Reality hurt... "I've never told a girl that I love her or gotten idiotically blind drunk and done something completely outrageous and out of character, I've never been to comic-con or owned a dog, I've always wanted a dog, one of those chocolate Labradors, they're so loyal! I know it sounds so pathetic Cal but I've barely lived and...I just want all this to be over, I don't want to die Caleb, not yet." he sobbed uncontrollably down the phone to his brother who told him to stay where he was, he would meet him in the car park soon.

Ethan had now calmed down and his body felt numb more than anything. It only felt like a few minutes since Ethan put the phone down that there was a knock on his window which snapped him out of his thoughts. He stepped out of the car and crumbled into his brother's arms grasping onto him so tightly, though he couldn't feel him or cry since he still felt numb and emotionless. Cal rested his chin against the top of his younger brother's head "you idiot, why didn't you tell me earlier?" He sighed deeply he ducked down, burying his head into his brother's shoulder, hiding the tears that were brimming in his eyes. "We're going to get through this, together okay?" Cal whispered in determination.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hello everyone! Here is today's update, I hope you all enjoy. Please let me know what you think. I'm so glad you all enjoyed the last chapter that I had posted; I too was relieved Ethan had finally told Cal and I'm the one writing it! :') Anyways, hope chapter eight doesn't disappoint it's only quite short but I'm sure you'll see why soon enough, Kayxxx :)**

Chapter Eight - Ethan's Night.

Ethan lay in his bed staring up at the ceiling in the dark, following the shadows from the headlights of the passing cars with his eyes. It was 2 am. He was getting quite used to not sleeping by now; he actually found it quite relaxing and peaceful. Usually, when he couldn't sleep he would think about how other parts of the world were just waking up and beginning their days, whereas everyone over here has finished theirs and were mainly all asleep, this thought tended to fascinate him a lot. Though recently he had found his mind wondering elsewhere. He lay in his bed replaying the entire tiresome day he had encountered in his head. Now that he was looking back, he could remember little details that didn't quite sink in as they happened. Like the look of fear in his older brother's eyes as he knocked on his car window. Only one other time had he seen this terrified look on his brother's face before and that was when their father announced that he had prostate cancer twenty years ago. Ethan was only six and so he hadn't a clue what his father was talking about when he mentioned the words "prostate cancer", though his older brother seemed to understand ever so slightly more, even though he had only just turned nine. The look of fear that his brother had could only be described as "the fear of the unknown". He hated to have to be cause for his brother to encounter this fear once more but after today, Ethan realised just how much he needed his brother...there's no way he could go through this alone.

He had made things extremely clear that he didn't want any changes to his life. No he didn't want Cal to move back in and become more his doctor than his brother, no he didn't want to take time off work to relax as he went through his treatment, no he didn't want to give everyone around him the open opportunity to throw a sympathetic glance at him any time he entered a room, no. He wanted everything to remain as normal as it possibly could and within everything that he was facing, he felt most adamant to keep this up.

Since Ethan had undergone his first radiotherapy session earlier in the day he was feeling overwhelmingly worn out. He knew that fatigue was the most common side effect of radiotherapy and so this could possibly be the beginning of those. However, he also knew that radiotherapy side effects don't tend to show until later on in the treatment, if this was the beginning of Ethan's side effects then his body was evidently a lot weaker than he gave it credit for.

One thing that did brighten Ethan's day up slightly was his bed that he lay in, never had it felt so comfortable in all his life. It was only when he felt himself wake up suddenly did he realise he had actually fallen asleep. He sat up and switched on his lamp on his bedside table. He waited momentarily as he couldn't quite figure out why his body had decided to wake him up so suddenly. It was then when he felt bile filling up his mouth and he made a bee line for the toilet dropping to his knees before it just in time for him to heave into. As he continuously wretched into the toilet bowl he felt his phone call from his pyjama pocket, who would call him at half four in the morning?

"Hey" Cal spoke hesitantly down the phone.  
"Hello" Ethan spoke breathlessly.  
"I couldn't sleep" Cal informed him awkwardly.  
Ethan got yet another urge to heave and vomited once more into the toilet.  
"Are you okay Eth?" Cal asked concerned.  
"What a silly question to ask someone who was currently throwing their guts up in the toilet" Ethan thought to himself but he knew his brother only meant well "Side effects are kicking in" Ethan spoke sarcastically.  
He could hear Cal hesitating on the other end of the phone,  
"Do you want me to come to yours?" He finally suggested. It then became evident why he had hesitated for so long for, Cal knew how Ethan felt.  
"No Cal, what did I say? I don't want you running round after me, I want to keep everything as normal as I-" he was cut off by himself having to heave once more into the toilet.  
"Okay okay I get it." Cal sighed and the phone went dead.  
He knew he was being too hard on Cal and he knew all he wanted to do the natural thing as a doctor and as a brother and help him but Ethan didn't want help, he just wanted someone to confide in when he needed it.  
With one more heave into the toilet Ethan was done much to his relief. He rested his head back against the bathtub and closed his eyes; he didn't have the energy to get himself back to bed.


	9. Chapter 9

**Hi everyone! Surprise! I've decided to post two chapters tonight as they both complement each other. Each chapter is the same night; shown on the POV's of both brothers which I thought might work. The first was Ethan's and now it is Cal's turn. Now that Cal is in on Ethan's secret I think it would only be right to write more for him, showing how he is dealing with the whole situation as we all know where Ethan stands with it all. It wouldn't be right to focus completely on Ethan and leave Cal out. Anyways here it is I hope you enjoy and like the idea rather than hate me for giving you all so much to read in the one night, if that is the case I apologise now haha, Kayxxx :)**

Chapter Nine – Cal's Night

It was 2 am. Cal lay on the sofa bed in Max, Lofty and Robyn's living room that to him had now become more of a bedroom. He was staring at the TV aimlessly flicking through the channels. He had been doing this for a good hour though his mind had drifted elsewhere a good 45 minutes ago. He was thinking about the obvious. After he had met his brother in the hospital car park earlier in the day, and Ethan had broken the news to him, they went to sit together in the quietness of the peace garden located outside the ED. They spoke about many things but the main one being how Ethan didn't want Cal treating him like a patient; after all he was his brother, not his doctor.

However, this was the thing that troubled Cal the most. In situations like the one the brothers had found themselves in today Cal would usually run, far, it was always the easier option than to face everything. But he couldn't leave Ethan, and more surprisingly to himself the thought of fleeing didn't cross his mind once. The fact he decided to stick around proved Cal just how much his younger brother meant to him, but when Ethan said he didn't want Cal's help it suddenly made sticking around seem a hell of a lot harder.

"Cal?" A voice whispered snapping him from his thoughts; he turned to find Lofty stood in the door way holding a glass of water.  
"Can't sleep?" Lofty asked.  
"No" Cal spoke turning back to face the TV.  
"Is there something troubling you?" Lofty continued.  
"You could say that" Cal replied.  
"Want to talk about it?" Lofty proposed as he made his way over to him.  
"I do...but I can't" Cal sighed.  
"Oh God Cal, please don't say you've robbed a bank or something!" Lofty joked with a hint of seriousness to his voice causing Cal to chuckle.  
"If only it was that simple" Cal mumbled under his breath.  
"Seriously Cal, what is it?" Lofty urged having heard Cal's mumble.  
"Nothing, I shouldn't have said anything" Cal forced out a smile and pressed a button on the remote which switched the TV off.  
"I need to get to sleep now Lofty so if you don't mind..." spoke knowing that this was extremely unlikely, although he was completely worn out mind was too awake with thousands of thoughts for him to get any sleep tonight.  
"Okay" Lofty whispered and left the room.

"Ethan..." Cal mumbled as he gripped onto his pillow tightly, "Ethan wake up..." He spoke out a bit louder this time as tears escaped from his closed eyes, "please" he mumbled again, "Ethan come on, please", "...ETHAN!" He yelled. Suddenly he felt his body being shook  
"Cal!" Robyn called. He opened his eyes to find Lofty, Robyn and Max stood over him looking down in their nightwear and messy bed heads. "What's happened?" He asked sitting up confused.  
"What's happened? You've just woken the entire house up that's what's happened!" Max spoke sarcastically.  
Cal looked at him confused.  
"Cal you were having a nightmare, about Ethan by the sounds of things" Robyn explained, "is everything okay?" She continued.  
"Yes it was just a bad dream, I'm sorry for waking you" Cal replied wiping his tears away with the back of his hand.  
"Don't worry about it, are you sure you're okay Cal?" Robyn asked sincerely.  
"What time is it?" Cal asked, completely ignoring Robyn's question.  
"Four in the morning" Lofty informed him with a yawn.  
"I'm going to the bookshop" Cal announced pushing off his duvet.  
"What?" Robyn asked exchanging confused glances with Lofty and Max.  
"There are some books I've been meaning to get" Cal explained.  
"You? Reading?...Voluntarily?!" Max joked sarcastically.  
"It opens at six, right?" Cal spoke as he put on his shoes.  
"Do you think he's sleep walking?" Robyn whispered to Lofty who shrugged.  
"No I'm awake Robyn, I just need to get these books" Cal stood up  
"Cal it's four it's not open for another two hours" Lofty informed him.  
"Then I'll wait, I'm going to walk there, it will give me a chance to clear my head a bit" Cal explained as he pulled a top on over his head and head out the house, leaving the three stood there feeling rather confused about the whole situation. Robyn felt like a worried mum whose child had gone out drinking for the first time as she watched Cal leave.

It was still dark outside. He walked for a good 15 minutes, his head filled with many thoughts, he hadn't even noticed his feet had taken him to a place he knew so well. He looked up at Ethan's flat and considering knocking though he thought his brother may be asleep and his sleep was important for him to get, giving his condition. But if Cal was having trouble sleeping, surely it must be at least ten times worse for Ethan who was actually the one who had been diagnosed and had a hell of a lot more to worry about. As he looked up at Ethan's flat he saw his bedroom light switch on, proving Cal's point right. He decided to call him.

"Hey" he spoke hesitantly down the phone.  
"Hi" His brother replied sounding quite breathless.  
"I couldn't sleep" Cal told him though his voice trailed off slightly when heard his younger brother heave into the toilet. He paused for a moment, listening to his brother's struggle, he winced as if it was in fact him currently vomiting so violently. "Are you okay Eth?" he asked, why he did that he did not know. Obviously he was not fine, he was currently throwing his guts up in the bathroom, not exactly something you do if you feel "fine". He regretted asking the second the words had left his mouth.  
"Side effects are kicking in" Ethan spoke sarcastically.  
Cal looked up at the building which towered over him as he hesitated to ask the next question. He knew his brother didn't want his help and for him to know he was stood outside would probably cause his brother to enter lecture mode on why he should leave him alone. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he spoke,  
"Do you want me to come to yours?" Cal suggested as he watched his brother's flat, again, something he regretted saying the minute he did as he heard Ethan sigh deeply.  
"No Cal, what did I say? I don't want you running round after me, I want to keep everything as normal as I-" he was cut off by him heaving again into the toilet.  
"Okay okay I get it" Cal sighed angrily and put the phone down. He couldn't listen to his younger brother throw his guts up with not being able to help him at all, he was a doctor, it was his instinct to help but when it's family the urge to help grows quite substantially. Maybe if Ethan knew he was stood outside things would be different but for now he would give his brother what he so badly wanted, to deal with this alone. He sighed once more and continued his journey to the bookshop; he had some revising to do.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hello everyone! Here is today's chapter I hope you enjoy. I glad you liked my double posting yesterday, thank you for the reviews on both chapters, it was just something I was trying out and so I'm happy it got a positive response for you all. Here is chapter 10, please let me know what you think, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

Chapter Ten

Today's shift seemed to go well. Getting through a day without being vomited on was always a bonus for Ethan. He had done a good job at putting his cancer to the back of his mind, he didn't let it faze him, he just continued with work...as normal. He had come to the realisation around midday that if you act like everything is normal, then that's how it will feel and everyone will act along with you. The reason he came to this realisation was when he came face to face with his older brother for the first time since his mini breakdown yesterday. He didn't give him any sympathetic glances, he didn't ask him how he was, he didn't go out of his way to make conversation, he just continued the day how he normally would around his younger brother. In fact, Cal had been so normal all day that it actually made Ethan consider the fact Cal might have forgotten about his condition, or maybe he was just a really good actor. Ethan thought that he would have to remind his brother a good few times that he was fine and to stop fussing around him but no. Not once did Caleb bring any more attention to younger brother than he normally would do, which was in a way giving Ethan exactly what he wanted. He was getting his way but why it felt so unsatisfying was another confusing thought all together.

"Pub?" Max announced as him and his colleagues who had also just finished their shifts stood around reception.  
"I thought you'd never ask" Cal smirked as they walked alongside each other toward the exit.  
First walked Max and Cal, following closely behind was Lofty, Robyn Rita and Lily, behind them was Dylan, Zoe, Charlie and Tess, next was Big Mac, Noel and Louise, then Dixie and Iain. Each in their own groups, laughing and celebrating the fact they had made it through another busy day at the ED. Ethan strolled slowly behind his colleagues with his hands in his pockets and his head held down low. This didn't feel normal, usually he would be in the middle of the groups joking and laughing, though no one had noticed him following behind alone, everyone was too busy continuing their own pieces of normal in shape. It felt like no one had even noticed his presence, especially Cal.

It wasn't until he entered the pub did he finally get some recognition.  
"Ethan!" Charlie called him over to the bar, "help me with these drinks will you?" He asked handing him a tray filled with pints of beer "one of those is yours" he smiled.  
"Thanks Charlie" Ethan called back as he made his way over with the tray to the tables which his colleagues sat around, "I come bearing alcohol" he announced jokingly as he placed the trays down causing his colleagues to cheer and clap.

Everyone took a glass one after the other until there was only one left "Ethan that's yours" Charlie smiled.  
"I'm not drinking tonight Charlie, but thank you anyway" Ethan replied politely. He had been advised not to drink with his radiotherapy treatment, this was one piece of advice he was willing to take, he didn't like drinking much a anyway.  
"Ah great! Ethan you can be taxi tonight then, time to get smashed I think!" Max announced looking towards Cal as a way of invitation. He downed his pint in one and rushing to get another, Cal too downed his.  
"Here" Ethan smiled as he placed his pint in front of his older brother.  
"Thanks" Cal smiled and downed it also, "Max get me whatever you're having mate!" Cal called over with a smirk. Ethan watched his brother warily.  
"How was your day?" Ethan asked making conversation.  
"Good" Cal replied seeming uninterested in making any conversation with his brother.  
Max appeared holding a tray full of drinks and shots.  
"Thanks Max!" Robyn called as she went to grab a glass.  
"Erm no, this is mine and Cal's" he smiled mischievously pulling the tray away from her.  
"What all of it?!" Rita asked stunned.

Yes all of it apparently. Hours later, Max was passed out in his chair whereas Cal was slumped over the bar. "I think it's time to get them home" Ethan announced looking over at his sleeping brother. He could feel his side effects slowly starting to kick in; he just wanted to go home now.  
"Cal" he called waking his brother, "come on Cal let's get you home" Ethan continued, as he helped his drunken brother to his feet he suddenly got a feeling of bile filling up in his mouth and darted for the toilets. Everyone could hear him heaving violently from outside,  
"Didn't he say he wasn't drinking tonight?" Zoe asked Cal confused, he just shrugged in reply.  
"Someone should go in there and see if he's okay" Rita announced, all looked towards Cal who didn't move in the slightest.  
"I'll go" Charlie smiled. As he opened the toilet door Ethan's retching echoed around the pub. Cal shook his head and stormed toward the door "I'll be outside" he announced.  
"What about Ethan?" Zoe called after him.  
"He'll be fine." Cal snapped and disappeared out the door.

Half an hour later and Ethan walked out the pub surrounded by his supportive colleagues.  
"Ethan if this bug gets any worse tomorrow don't bother coming in, have a day off in bed" Zoe spoke softly.  
"Thanks Zoe, though I'm sure I'll be fine" Ethan replied as he made his way over to where Cal was sat on a bench and took a seat beside him. They sat together in an awkward silence before Ethan finally found the courage to speak out.  
"Do you just not care?" He asked angrily the thing that had been nibbling at him all day.  
"What?" Cal asked confused.  
"Today. All you've done is act like I don't even exist Cal, if anything I thought you would have been trying to help me" Ethan explained his point.  
"Are you being serious?!" Cal snapped catching the attention of his surrounding colleagues.  
"You complain when I try to help yet when I give you what you want and don't help you, you complain then too. There's seriously no winning with you is there?" He continued though he had now lowered his voice aware of those around him listening in.  
"Caleb I don't want your help yet but-" he was cut off.  
"Then when Ethan? When you're on your death bed and it's too late? Do you not understand how hard this is for me too? When I found out dad was dying I locked myself in my room for weeks, when I found out mum was dying I moved out of the country for years, when I found out my brother was dying, I stayed. Ethan I can't deal with watching my family suffer so I hide away, but you're all I've got, and I'm all you've got. Don't you understand how hard it is for me to stay without helping you? I've been tearing my hair out trying to think of ways to help you, without you knowing I'm actually helping you, like trying to act like everything's normal like you want me to, even though my entire world his falling apart. Ethan you are the last thing I have on this earth that matters and the thought of losing you aches my heart, more than losing mum or dad ever could. I wasn't there for dad and I wasn't there for mum, but I'm going to be here for you no matter what." Cal sighed heavily. Ethan looked at him in stunned silence at his outburst. Cal pulled out a book and slammed it hard on the bench beside his brother, startling him slightly, "Don't you ever say I don't care about you Ethan, because you're all I do care about, I care more about you than I do myself." He whispered angrily and stormed off once again.

Ethan looked down at the book his brother had practically thrown at him and held it in his hands. "Facing cancer together" was the title. Inside were notes and markings made by his brother "try this" "maybe this" "this will help" his brother's messy handwriting read beside certain points in the book he had highlighted and underlined. Ethan sighed deeply, what had he done?


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello everyone! Looking forward to tonight's episode? I know I am woo! I wonder what things will be like with Connie back as clinical lead? Loved seeing Dylan's attempt at taking the job on, you've got to love Dylan right? I also loved seeing Cal doing his best to piss Dylan off in the last ep, made me giggle. Anyway back on topic...here is today's update. I hope you enjoy, please let me know your thoughts as always, they really help, Kayxxx :)**

Chapter Eleven

And so Ethan Hardy continued his battle, now feeling more at ease knowing he had his brother there whenever he needed him. All Cal wanted to do was help and Ethan could now finally see that getting help was okay, his older brother had been there for every radiotherapy session since he had told him about his condition. With five sessions of radiotherapy a week being permanently etched into his routine, he was quickly grasping what it was like to be the patient for once. "I know you may feel fine now, but soon enough you won't" Doctor Humphrey's words echoed around his head each time he finished a session, never did he think a person could be so right, he didn't know what he felt but it defiantly wasn't fine. He was becoming increasingly tired, increasingly sick, increasingly sore, increasingly drained (in many ways)...being the patient was hard.  
But right now he wasn't the patient. Right now he was Doctor Hardy.

"Catch!" A young boy called and launched a football in Ethan's direction, which he caught and placed back gently in the boy's arms. "Okay you need to put that away now Ben whilst I examine your mum" Ethan explained calmly and pressed his stethoscope against his patient's back.  
"So how long have you been getting these pains?" Rita asked.  
"A few weeks now, they come and go" the patient replied.  
"Doctor, catch!" The boy called throwing the ball to Ethan again.  
"Ben stop it! The doctor's trying to do his job" the patient snapped controlling her child. Ethan smiled at her gratefully and tossed the ball back to the boy.  
"Okay, you're going to need a chest X-ray-" Ethan's explaining was cut off.  
"Right so, Rachel is it?" Zoe asked as she wondered into the cubicle holding her notes.  
"Yes" the patient replied.  
"Okay so Rachel, I just want to listen to your breathing" Zoe explained and put on her stethoscope, brushing passed Ethan.  
"I've just done that" Ethan stated confused "it's quite crackly so I thought best to do a chest X-ray" he explained.  
"Okay, well I want to see for myself" Zoe smiled and placed the stethoscope on Rachel's back.  
"What's up? Is he new or something?" Rachel asked motioning toward Ethan who stood at her bedside.  
"No" he replied angrily.  
"Just not very good at his job then?" Rachel joked.  
"No no, Doctor Hardy is one of the best doctors we have in the ED" Zoe smiled as she continued to listen to Rachel's chest.  
"Why are you second guessing him then?" Rachel asked, which was exactly what Ethan and Rita were thinking, they both exchanged confused glances as they watched Zoe work.  
"Right okay, it _is_ quite crackly and so a chest X-Ray _would_ be for the best" Zoe concluded, ignoring her patient's question.  
"Seriously?" Ethan asked stunned.  
"What?" Zoe asked.  
"I've literally just said that I-" he was cut off.

"Doctor Hardy, catch!" Ben yelled as he catapulted the ball across the hospital right in the direction of Ethan. He didn't have enough time to register what the boy had said before he saw the ball hurling towards him. Everyone in the ED stopped and watched open mouthed. Just as Ethan turned to face Ben, the ball slammed hard into his groin winding him instantly. Ethan arched over in pain grasping onto his crotch, it was a pain that took over his entire body. Just watching this caused the surrounding people of the ED to wince as they could imagine the stomach churning pain the doctor was currently experiencing.  
"That kid has got aim!" Max called out impressed.  
"Ethan are you okay?" Zoe asked placing her hand on his back which caused him to wince even more. The colour had completely drained from his face, he still hadn't taken a breath since before the accident, the pain was too much. Being hit in the groin is always painful for men, but giving the current condition Ethan was in it seemed to hurt 100 times worse. He stumbled backward slightly and Zoe steered him in the direction of the bed that was in the next cubicle.  
"Ethan just try to breathe okay?" Rita spoke softly as he took a seat on the hospital bed. He squeezed his eyes shut and took in a huge breath, as he released this breath he let out a groan of pain. He placed his hand on his lower back and focused on breathing. At this point he now had a crowd of his colleagues surrounding him, Zoe, Rita, Connie, Charlie and Lofty all watched him warily.  
"I know the pain mate!" Max called over from the nursing station.  
"You really don't" Ethan mumbled under his breath in reply, catching the attention of his surrounding workmates.  
"Is everything okay?" Connie asked having heard his comment.  
"Yes everything's fine, the show's over now!" Ethan spoke though still in pain.  
"I'm sorry doctor" young Ben called over.  
"It's fine, it was an accident" Ethan forced out a smile.  
"Are you sure you're okay?" Charlie asked concerned.  
"Yes I'm fine, just leave me alone" Ethan replied firmly and stood to his feet, his intention being to storm off to the toilet but his legs thought otherwise. He was completely weak, as his feet touched the ground they gave in causing him to stumble forward, being caught by Charlie and Rita who looked at him knowingly.  
"Maybe it's best you go home Doctor Hardy" Connie suggested raising her eyebrows.  
"That won't be necessary" he replied and started off slowly down the corridor.

"Something isn't right there" Rita announced as they watched him limp away.  
"He hasn't been acting right for weeks, plus he looks awful, worn out, he looks as though he's lost weight, not like he had a pick on him to lose in the first place! That's why I just wanted to double check how he was doing here" Zoe explained.  
"We've all been hit in the balls before though, right Charlie?" Lofty spoke with a smirk looking for a brighter solution.  
"Yes and it hurts but, I think there's something more to this Lofty" Charlie sighed.  
"I want someone with him at all times today, are we clear?" Zoe announced.

Charlie entered the toilets and heard a groan coming from one of the cubicles, "Ethan?" Charlie called.  
A few moments later Ethan walked out of the cubicle and forced out a smile "Charlie", he began to rinse his hands under the tap.  
"Is everything okay?" Charlie asked. Ethan hesitated for a moment, "because if it isn't you can talk to me, you know that right?" He continued.  
"...I've been having problems that's all" he spoke hesitantly.  
"Okay, and have you been to see someone about it?" Charlie asked softly.  
Ethan nodded, "they said it's not worth worrying about" he stated, which was true, his doctor had told him worrying is pointless, what will be, will be. Though, his doctor had also told him not to work and to relax whilst going through radiotherapy, his chose to ignore this advice.  
"Did you get treated here?" Charlie asked.  
"St. James'" he lied. "Listen Charlie, I have to get back to work, please keep quiet about everything, it's the last thing I'd want people to know" Ethan whispered and headed out the door.


	12. Chapter 12

**Here's today's update. Is Ethan ignoring his doctor's advice to give up work really a good idea? Surely he can't keep this up for much longer, right? Hope you enjoy, please let me know your thoughts as always, Kayxxx :)**

Chapter Twelve

"Okay so, I'll write you a prescription for your medication" Ethan explained breathlessly as he wiped a layer of sweat from his brow "you'll have to take two tablets, four times a day and..." the page he was reading from had now become a blur, he could no longer make out any words. He looked up at his patient and again wiped his brow with the back of his hand, "it- it's a, course of tablets and so..." could barely speak as he couldn't catch his breath. The room felt as though it was spinning around him "you'll...you'll, need to make sure you complete the-" his voice trailed off. "Are you okay Doctor?" His patient asked. "Ethan?" Max called.

Back at the nursing station Charlie took it upon himself to search Ethan's notes; to his surprise he found that he had an appointment upstairs just yesterday. He began to read, until he read something that caught his attention "radiation therapy" this could only mean one thing. He continued to read frantically until he reached something that made his heart sink "prostate cancer"..."oh god" Charlie sighed sadly.  
"Everything okay?" Zoe asked as she approached him.  
Charlie shook his head "it's Ethan" he whispered.  
Suddenly Max burst through the door, "Zoe, Charlie help! It's Ethan!" He called desperately urging them to follow. They hurried through the halls and into a room where Ethan lay on the floor gasping for air. Sweat was dripping from his forehead, his eyes were rolling.  
"What happened?" Zoe called as she made her way over to him.  
"I don't know! One minute he was explaining the medication, the next he was sweating and out of breath, he started swaying back and forth and he just collapsed!" Max explained frantically.  
"Did he lose consciousness at all?" Zoe asked to Max who was stood looking down in horror "Max!" She called snapping him out of his haunting thoughts.  
"Yeah, but only for a few seconds, 30 seconds tops!" He stated as he shook his head in dread.  
"Ethan, its Zoe can you hear me?" She spoke softly, he didn't reply, just continued to fight for breath. "Okay get some oxygen over here now please, he's tachycardic" Zoe ordered. Robyn ran over with some oxygen and Zoe placed it on the young doctor's face, which he fought away "Ethan it will help you breathe, you need it on" Zoe explained.  
"No" Ethan replied breathlessly as he pushed her hand away.  
"Ethan its Robyn, look, it's me and Zoe" she spoke reassuringly desperately trying to get through to him.  
He stopped his fighting and looked up at her "Robyn?" He mumbled.  
"Yes" she smiled thankfully; Zoe placed the mask back on his face.  
"Okay we need him on a bed" Zoe called to Max who ran to the other side of the room with Charlie to get one.  
Ethan grabbed hold of Zoe's hand desperately and looked up at her with terrified eyes "What's happening to me?" He spoke through his mask.  
"Don't worry Ethan, you're going to be fine" Zoe whispered as she stroked his hair wiping away some sweat off his forehead.

Once on a bed, they pulled off his scrubs in attempt to cool him down, his breathing was steadier, Robyn stood to the side of him dabbing away the sweat from his face and Zoe stood monitoring him. A calmer Ethan was easier to talk to, "Ethan do you want me to call Cal?" Robyn proposed.  
"No please, please don't call Cal!" he pleaded, beginning to panic again.  
"Okay okay, I won't" Robyn replied frantically.  
"Try to stay calm Ethan" Zoe spoke softly. Charlie looked at him knowingly.  
"I just can't think what's brought this on" Zoe shook her head confused as she walked over to Charlie, "I knew something was up" she continued.  
"I'll be back soon, I know a way we can get to the bottom of this" Charlie whispered and headed out the door.

Ethan was now calm, breathing steadily; his temperature was back down to normal, though his body felt completely weak and worn out, the only thing he was fighting now was sleep. He closed his eyes as he felt himself drifting off. Suddenly the door burst open and in walked Charlie, followed by Doctor Humphrey. "What have I told you Ethan?" His doctor sighed causing Ethan to wake up. Zoe looked at him confused as he'd seen his face around the hospital before. "You're in no fit state to work, you need to be at home, relaxing, letting Cal take care of you! Do you have any idea how dangerous you continuing to work is?" He continued.  
"Sorry am I missing something here?" Zoe butted in.  
"Have you not told them?" Doctor Humphrey asked Ethan in shock, Ethan shook his head slowly.  
"You need to tell them Ethan, it's not just a little virus that will pass, it's much more serious, tell them" he ordered.  
"I don't want to" Ethan replied as he pulled of his mask, "If I say it out loud then it will mean its all real" he whimpered.  
"But it is real Ethan, and you not saying it won't make it go away, you need to face it" he continued. Ethan looked down sadly.  
"Face what?" Robyn asked in worry.  
Ethan looked up at Charlie who nodded slowly. Ethan took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak "I, I have prostate cancer" he whimpered hesitantly. His "keep everything as normal as possible" act was over.  
"Oh Ethan" Zoe sighed sadly.


	13. Chapter 13

**So work finally got to Ethan! Here's today's chapter. It was nice to see so many of you got so emotionally attached to the last chapter (that sounds really bad, it wasn't my aim to make you all cry haha) but it does show that you are getting the right vibe I was hoping to show off with this story, which makes me happy. I hope you enjoy today's chapter, only a short one today (sorry everyone). Please let me know what you think as always, Kayxxx :)**

Chapter Thirteen

"How long has he known?" Zoe asked as she stood outside looking in at the sleeping doctor.  
"Just over a month now" Doctor Humphrey explained, "this is his fourth week of radiotherapy" he added.  
"Has it been helping?" She asked full of hope, the look that the doctor replied with answered that question for her.  
"When we first found out he was only in the very early stages, but things developed quite rapidly, the fastest I've ever seen by far!" He explained.  
"What about surgery?" Zoe asked.  
"That's the next step; we were going to talk about that in his appointment later on this afternoon. I wanted to try him with radiotherapy just in case it might work but unfortunately..." his voice trialled off sadly.  
"I can't believe he carried on working, it must have been so hard for him" Zoe continued shaking her head.  
"He's relapsed. He was fine a couple of weeks ago, ready to fight it, but seeing him then not even able to say he had cancer, it's like he's gone back to the place he was in a month ago" he replied with a sigh.  
"I knew something was up weeks ago, if only I'd have asked him, he wouldn't be in there right now" she spoke in dread.  
"Don't focus on "if only" Zoe, it's too late for them" the doctor replied with a reassuring smile.

"Zoe do you know whose shift it is I'm meant to be covering?" Cal called as he wondered down the corridor towards her.  
"Cal! What are you doing here?" She spoke in shock.  
"Connie called me in to cover someone's shift but I don't even know whose it is" he explained. "I've had literally about an hour's sleep" he added with a yawn.  
"Connie called you in to work?" She spoke in disgust.  
"Yes...?" He replied, confused as to the tone of her voice.  
"Unbelievable" she scoffed.  
"Have you seen Ethan around? I've been trying to call him all day but I can't get through" he spoke changing the subject.  
Zoe and Doctor Humphrey exchanged glances.

"Ah Cal you're here, Robyn must've called you, I'm sorry about Ethan mate have you spoken to him yet?" Max rambled as he spotted Cal outside Ethan's room.  
"What? Why would Robyn call me? And why are you sorry about Ethan? Zoe what's going on?" Cal spoke concerned.  
A look of realisation grew across Max's face "I'm sorry I thought he knew".  
"Cal come to my office and I'll explain everything" Zoe spoke softly. "No I, I want to see Ethan, take me to see Ethan" he replied refusing to move.  
"It's best if you let me explain everything first" Doctor Humphrey stated.  
"Doctor? You're down here because of Ethan?" Cal asked confused.  
"Yes Cal I'm-" he was cut off.  
"Ethan?!" Cal called in shock as he looked through the window, "that's Ethan in there!" He continued and burst through the door into the room where his brother lay sleeping.  
"Cal it's best if you leave him, he needs his sleep" Zoe whispered.  
"What's happened? Why is he in here?" Cal pleaded.  
Doctor Humphrey looked at him hesitantly "...he took a bad turn today, he's overworked himself-"  
Cal cut the doctor off yet again.  
"I told him not to work! I knew this would happen for God sake Ethan, why don't you ever listen to me?" he sighed angrily looking down at his sleeping brother, "is he going to die?" He asked in dread. The way Ethan looked now it was the obvious question to ask, he looked awful.  
"Not if I have anything to do with it" the doctor replied confidently, "we've been through this entire journey together Cal do you really think I'm willing to let Ethan slip through the system?" He continued. Cal let out the closest he could to a sigh of relief.  
"Cal, we'll leave you to be with Ethan, come and see me when you're done and we'll go through everything okay?" Zoe proposed. Cal nodded slowly and took a seat next to his brother.


	14. Chapter 14

**Hi everyone, so here is today's chapter! Hope you enjoy, please let me know what you think, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

Chapter Fourteen

Zoe left Cal and Ethan alone for a good two and half hours, regularly walking passed his room to check that Ethan was okay and that Cal had left him asleep but other than that, she didn't intervene. After her shift ended she decided to go and see the brothers, to check up on Ethan and to tell Cal more about his brother's condition as he currently knew very little. She walked into Ethan's side room to find both brothers were sleeping. Cal was sat on the chair she left him in, with his head resting on Ethan's bed, his cheeks were tear stained and in his hand was his brother's gently intertwined with his. The only noise to be heard in the room was the beep from Ethan's machine and a heavy snore that came from Cal as he breathed in and out. Zoe picked up Ethan's notes and a pen from the side and began to write, as she started to write the pen slipped from between her fingers and rolled under his bed. "Damn it" she sighed and got down on her knees to receive it. "There" she smiled as she stood back to her feet only to find Ethan was awake.

"Good morning sleeping beauty" Zoe joked which caused a smile to grow under Ethan's oxygen mask. "How are you feeling?" She continued sounding more sincere.  
Ethan slowly pulled off his mask and spoke "better now I've had some sleep" his voice was hoarse. He looked to the right of him to find his sleeping brother holding his hand, Ethan sighed sadly.  
"Ethan we're here for you, all of us. You know that right?" She spoke softly.  
He nodded slowly looking down.  
"Anyway, I don't know how me dropping a pen can wake you, but his awful snoring can't!" Zoe laughed.  
"Yes, well I suppose I've gotten used to hearing it through the wall when he used to live at mine" Ethan chuckled, his free hand shot down to his side as he laughed.  
"Are you in pain Ethan?" Zoe asked softly.  
"I'm always in pain Zoe" he admitted.  
Zoe looked at him sympathetically.

Suddenly the room door burst open "Right!" Doctor Humphrey announced as he waltzed in "ah Ethan you're awake, how are you doing?" He spoke energetically.  
"Better" Ethan replied.  
"Good good" the doctor replied. "Three coffees" he announced as he help up three cups. "God is he still snoring away?" Doctor Humphrey joked looking at Cal.  
"Don't wake him; he's probably had a rough day" Ethan spoke sincerely.  
"Ethan you're in this state and still worrying about your brother!" The doctor laughed.  
"Cal" he called, Cal stirred slightly but still continued to snore. "Come on Cal" the doctor called again "Umm?" Cal mumbled, still half asleep.  
"Cal!" The called loudly.  
Cal's eyes shot open "W-What?" He called out in shock.  
"Nice of you to join us, coffee?" Doctor Humphrey smiled. Cal went to take his coffee from the doctor but the hand we was going to use was already full, he looked to find his brother looking down at him "Ethan!" He called in realisation pulling his hand from his brother's and instead using it to wipe away his tears that had stained his cheeks in embarrassment.  
"Cal, tell me something about coffee?" Doctor Humphrey spoke.  
"Um, it's hot?" Cal replied confused. "Exactly so if you could take it from my burning hands-" Cal cut him off  
"Oh sorry" he took the coffee. Zoe and Ethan laughed, but Cal still seemed out of it.  
"How are you feeling?" He spoke awkwardly.  
"Okay" Ethan smiled unconvincingly at his brother.  
"Right, coffee for Zoe" Doctor Humphrey handed a cup to her "and coffee for me" he took a sip from the last remaining cup. "Sorry Ethan, I never got you one" Doctor Humphrey announced.  
Cal looked towards him defensively "you can have mine if you want Eth" he spoke.  
"No, I wouldn't be that mean and not get him one purposely, the reason I haven't got him one is because you need to stay nil by mouth" the doctor explained.  
"What? Why?" Cal snapped in concern.  
"Because I've just sorted everything out upstairs for a radical prostatectomy, you will be prostate free by tonight" he smiled.  
Ethan swallowed hard, "I'm having surgery today?" He asked.  
"Yes, considering how fast your condition is developing, it would be for the best" the doctor concluded.  
Cal looked towards Ethan helplessly then back towards the doctor, "what about the radiotherapy? Has it been working?" Cal asked.  
"Yes" Ethan replied sharply before the doctor could even open his mouth.  
"Ethan, really?" Doctor Humphrey sighed.  
"Yes really" Ethan continued.  
"Ethan if it was working, do you really think you would currently be sitting in a hospital bed? Do you think your condition would have developed to later stages? Do you think the tumour would continue to grow if it was working?" Doctor Humphrey spoke plainly.  
Ethan looked down, only now had it hit in that he was much worse off than he thought. The room fell into silence, all watched Ethan sadly.

"Um, I need some air" Ethan spoke pushing off the covers.  
"Are you sure you're okay to-" Ethan cut Zoe off  
"I'm fine" he replied firmly and shuffled toward the door.  
"I'll come" Cal stood to his feet.  
"No, I'd rather be alone just please, stay here" Ethan protested and left the room awkwardly.  
Cal sunk back into his chair and fixed his eyes on the ground.  
"Cal, don't take it personally" the doctor stated.  
"He's in really bad denial" Zoe spoke placing a comforting hand on Cal's shoulder.


	15. Chapter 15

**Hi everyone! I just wanted to say thank you for all the lovely reviews you have been leaving about my story and writing, they are genuinely so lovely and reading them really make my day so thank you all for that! A lot of you have been saying this story has gotten you quite emotional and all I'm going to say is prepare yourselves for this chapter (sorry). Although it's quite emotional I hope you enjoy today's update, please let me know what you think as always, Kayxxx :)**

Chapter Fifteen

"Right I'll be back in 10 minutes to sedate you, don't be worrying Doctor Hardy, you're in the best possible hands I can assure you" A young nurse smiled as she made her way out of the room.  
Ethan and Cal sat in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Cal looked at his brother but he wouldn't make eye contact with him,  
"Eth" Cal sighed, the younger man didn't budge, "talk to me, what are you thinking?" He whispered.  
Ethan kept his eyes focused straight ahead on a clock that slowly ticked away, he didn't flinch, it was as though he was completely oblivious to his brother's presence.  
"I've been watching that clock, all day, it's flown by but now, every second feels like five. I've sat here and watched an entire day completely go to waste, this day could easily be my last, I could die in surgery and my last day I spent in a hospital bed feeling sorry for myself." Ethan whispered.  
"You're not going to die Ethan, you're fit and healthy enough for the surgery to go ahead, for it to run smoothly Ethan you're going to be fine" Cal argued sympathetically.  
Ethan slowly turned his head to see his brother for the first time in hours. Cal was shocked to see his little brother had tears building in his eyes.  
"But what if it doesn't run smoothly Caleb? What if I'm not fine?" Ethan whimpered as the tears that had been building, now trickled down his face "I'm frightened Caleb, I've never been so frightened in my life" he spoke through his cry.  
"Hey, hey listen" Cal grabbed hold of his brothers hand "it will run smoothly, and you will be fine because it's you Ethan, you are such a strong person and I never gave you enough credit for that before, you've been through this entire battle completely by yourself and now you're at the last obstacle, you need to take every last bit of strength, every last bit of will power, every last bit of energy you have to overcome it because you are not giving up now, you are not going to lose this battle Ethan there's no way, you're not leaving me-" Cal was cut off by the nurse who re-entered.

"Right I'm going to sedate you now Ethan, just try and stay calm for me" The nurse explained and placed a mask on Ethan's face.

Ethan squeezed his eyes shut causing more tears to trickle down onto his pillow. "I'm sure you know the drill, ten seconds and you'll be fast asleep, and then it's all down to the doctors" the nurse smiled.  
"Let's count together okay?" Cal smiled as tears built in his eyes.  
"Okay" Ethan whimpered from under his mask. The nurse turned on the gas.  
"One" Cal spoke confidently as he grabbed Ethan's hand tightly "one" Ethan echoed.  
"Two" both men whimpered simultaneously. Ethan kept his frightened eyes fixed on Cal the whole time. Ethan's voice broke as he spoke due to his cry.  
"Three" Ethan swallowed hard, more tears made their way from his eyes. Cal stayed fighting his back; he had to be strong, just for another seven seconds.  
"Four" Cal forced out a smile, which Ethan returned from under his mask, his were eyes becoming heavy.  
"Five" Ethan whispered, he could now feel himself drifting off, he gripped hold of his brother's hand as tight as he could, though he was weak.  
"Six" Ethan mumbled, as his eyes became too heavy for him to keep open any longer. Cal's chin started to wobble as he held back his cry.  
"Seven" Cal spoke clearly, Ethan didn't make a sound, his tears had stopped falling and his face now looked peaceful, carefree, as it usually did.  
"Eight" Cal swallowed hard fully aware that his brother had been sedated but he still continued to count.  
"Nine" he whispered as a tear escaped his eyes and trickled down his cheek, Ethan's head slowly slumped down.  
"Ten" Cal concluded as he gave in, allowing his tears to fall. That was it; all he had to do now was wait. Ethan's hand gently released his grip on Cal's, it was as if he'd put everything into holding on to him until the very end. Though he'd fallen deeply asleep a good four seconds ago, he made sure he held he was there for Cal until the ten seconds were up.

He watched as his brother got wheeled off to surgery, leaving him in the now empty room with only Zoe stood by his side.  
"He's going to be fine Cal" Zoe whispered as she took his hand in hers. Cal nodded slowly, still with his eyes fixed on the door where his brother had left.  
"He'll be down for a good few hours. Why don't you go home and get him some pyjamas? Get some sleep whilst you're there, take your mind off things for a while" Zoe suggested quietly.  
Cal shook his head slowly and opened his mouth to speak "and that's an order" she added with a smile, "If I hear anything I'll call you". Cal smiled at her gratefully and made his way out of the room.


	16. Chapter 16

**Hello, here is today's chapter. Ethan is down for his major operation, Cal goes to his brother's to pick up a few things but ends up finding out a lot more than planned. Please let me know your thoughts thanks, Kayxxx :)**

Chapter Sixteen

Cal entered Ethan's flat to find it not in its usual clean and organised state, you couldn't see the floor for all the mess. This wasn't like Ethan at all, one of the reasons he made Cal move out in the first place was due to the mess he made and now he was the one leaving the mess. Cal wondered into Ethan's living room, picking up things from the floor as he made his way, he then opened the curtains which looked as though they hadn't been opened for months. He sighed heavily and turned to sit on the couch but it was covered with papers covered in his brother's handwriting. He picked each piece up and read them carefully.

" _Things to leave to Caleb:  
\- Mum's wedding ring.  
\- Dad's scarf.  
\- The car.  
\- The flat (if the landlord allows).  
\- All my money. _

Tears built in his eyes as he read his brother's will. He continued to flick through the papers finding many letters made out to different people...

" _Dear Zoe_ " " _Dear Doctor Humphrey_ " " _Dear Mrs Beauchamp_ " " _Dear Lily_ " " _Dear Honey_ "...

He continued to flick through until he read his name, his heart plummeted. His letter was the most worn out; as if it had been looked at the most, it also looked as though it had been wet and left to dry up over time. He took a deep breath and began to read.

 _"Dear Caleb,  
I'm so sorry to have left this to a letter but I don't know how else to get my words out. You always did tease me for my stutter but now my stutter has hit me harder than ever, whenever I think of talking about, you know, I can't...The truth is Cal, I found out today that I'm ill, really ill (although I feel fine, absolutely fine, I'm not in any pain but the doctor says it will come in time, woo! (That "woo" was sarcasm if you couldn't tell) (I'm aware I've used too many brackets already in this letter but there's no going back now, this is written in pen and I don't fancy re-starting)) And ironically this day fell on the same day you moved out. I have __prost_ _\- probably never told you this before, but I'm so grateful for having you in my life (get the tissues ready this is about to get soppy) (there I go again with the brackets)."_

Cal smiled sadly as he read the words his brother had written.

 _"Cal although it may seem as though I hate you sometimes, I don't, how could I? You are my older brother after all, I know we may disagree at times and fight, and I know we are pretty much opposites but we're blood, how can I not love my own blood? (That was sarcasm again...and also me sneakily dropping in the fact that although I may hide it well, I do love you Caleb)."_

Cal stopped reading for a moment, not because he wanted to, but because he could no longer make out the words for the blur of tears in his eyes. It was just then did he realise the reason the letter he held looked so worn out is because it was tearstained. He conducted himself and began to read once more.

 _"I faintly remember the day dad got diagnosed, I didn't really know what was going on because I was so young but I understood that he was ill. I remember, he got home from the hospital and he completely broke down, he cried Cal! That was the one and only time I ever saw my dad cry and honestly, it scared me. I always saw dad as a strong person and to see him cry, he must have really taken it bad. But only now do I understand how he felt. It's hard to describe, first off you're scared, scared of the fact you're ill and possibly dying, you don't know what the next day will bring, you're scared to leave everyone behind, but also scared to be a bourdon on them (that's one reason why I never told you I suppose). You're angry at the fact you're being told you're ill when you feel physically fine and at the fact out of everyone you happen to be the one who becomes ill, you never think it will be you. You feel isolated, due to no fault but your own, you bring it on yourself, almost as if you think yourself into your own little bubble of worries and thoughts that just over power you. What I'm saying is, although I've chosen not to tell you, I know that you'll be there for me, if I do eventually need you. I don't want to have to make you go through this again Caleb and so I think its best I go this alone. Something I've figured out today is that sometimes silence can be the loudest scream...there were so many times I just wanted to scream to the world how I was feeling and that I was ill and that I wanted help and how you really need to enjoy your life because one day it will be gone but no, I stayed quiet, my new way of screaming is just simply...silence."_

The letter ended there. He hadn't signed it off and so it was clear it incomplete. Cal held the letter tight within his grasp and took a deep breath. He was filled with many emotions, the main one being thankful for the fact Ethan had eventually chosen to tell him about his condition, he couldn't imagine how hard it would be for him to struggle through it alone. He obviously had his heart set on going through everything alone, thank God he changed his mind. Another emotion that overpowered him was love, God did he love his brother. Reading this letter ached his heart and the only way to ease the pain was to see his brother. He stuffed his letter into his pocket and hurried to Ethan's bedroom, grabbed some pyjamas and underwear and stuffed them into a backpack.

He flung the backpack over his shoulder and made his way back to the hospital, knowing full well he would still have to wait for hours, he didn't care. He wanted to be there the second his brother woke up, whether he would wake up cancer free or not, he would be there.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

"Back already?" A voice caught his attention; he turned to find Zoe looking at him, eyebrows raised.  
"Yeah I've got his pyjamas and things here" Cal forced out a smile as he held up his backpack.  
"Have you had some sleep yet?" Zoe asked focusing her concern on him. Cal didn't answer.

"Cal, check this out!" Max spoke excitedly as he made his way over to him balloon in hand.  
"Why have you got a duck balloon?" Cal asked confused as he looked up at the yellow inflatable duck his friend held on a string.  
"Wait!" Max smiled mischievously and pulled something out of his pocket and placed it in Cal's hand  
"Little horses?" Cal asked as he held them, "does this make sense to you?" Cal chuckled looking at Zoe who shrugged.  
"It's an improvised version of a horse-sized duck and a hundred duck-sized horses" Max spoke as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.  
"Except, its one balloon-sized duck and four tiny toy horses..." Cal spoke sarcastically.  
Max huffed, "whatever! I'm sure Ethan will get it" he shook his head looking down.  
"They're for Ethan?" Cal asked in realisation.  
"Yeah, I remember him laughing when we asked him what he'd rather fight, I don't think I've ever heard him laugh so much! I thought it would bring a smile to his face when he's out of surgery" Max spoke with a grin.  
"Why would he want a load of toy horses after he's just woken up from an operation Max? Don't you think he'll have more important things to deal with after everything he's gone through?" Robyn spat out.  
Max hesitated for a moment and looked down yet again, "I just thought that-" Cal cut him off,  
"I think it's a nice idea, besides, he'll need something to take his mind off things for a while, this will defiantly cheer him up for sure" he smiled at Max gratefully and handed him back the horses.

"Noel gave me the horses, they're from some comic book or something, they're part of his collection of action figures" Max explained, "Big Mac went home to get them in his break" he continued.

"I only got him some grapes from the shop, it seems to be the thing to give people when they're ill" Lofty stated as he stood at Max's side with his hands in the pockets of his blue scrubs.

"I went for the less healthy option and got him some chocolate, who doesn't love chocolate?" Robyn chuckled.

"Oh Cal! This is for Ethan" Rita called as she made her way over to him, "Its a get well card signed by everyone, if I had enough time I would have gotten him something better but..." her voice trailed off.

"It's perfect" Cal smiled.

"Dixie told me to tell you she's going to bake Ethan a pie...good luck to him" Iain chuckled as he walked passed Cal pushing an empty trolley back to his ambulance.

"Cal, I've just gotten off the phone with Honey, she sends her love and best wishes to Ethan, she's paying me a visit soon so she's going to come to see how he is then" Noel called from behind reception.

Dylan waltzed into reception and found Cal stood surrounded by his colleagues "Oh um..." he hesitated and searched his pockets "this is for Doctor Hardy" he spoke awkwardly holding out his tiny blue pen, his colleagues looked at him confused, this made less sense than Max's horses. "What? I really like this pen!" He explained, "I'm sure he'll like it as much as I do, he's a smart man" he handed his pen to Cal and disappeared down the hall leaving him stood, pen in hand, in confusion.

"Believe me, Dylan giving up his pen is a huge thing for him, it's almost as hard as giving up Dervla" Zoe explained with a smile.

"Ah Doctor Knight, I'm glad I've caught you!" Connie spoke breathlessly as she hurried through the ED doors with her arms overflowing.

"Right, I wanted to get him some flowers so he can put them out at home, I can imagine him being very house proud. But after a short meeting, everyone said beer would be the better option so here is a crate of beer from all the staff and some flowers from me" She handed them over to him, "Tell Ethan to take off as much recovery time as he needs, I don't want him overworking himself again" she smiled and walked off to her office.

"I think out of everything Ethan will be more happy the fact he's broken the ice queen!" Cal chuckled as he watched Connie walked away.

Cal looked at his colleagues stunned by their generosity. Although they were all working the average busy shift in the ED, they still somehow found the time to think about his ill brother and not only that went, out of their way to get him things to show their support. He had some truly great people surrounding him.

"We're all here for Ethan, just make sure he knows that Caleb" Charlie smiled as he placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.  
"Cal, go to the staff room and get some shut eye for a few hours, Ethan will need you at your best when he's out" Zoe proposed. Cal nodded and made his way to the staff room.

What Zoe had said was right, and he did feel completely worn out but how could he possibly sleep now? His brain was far too awake with hundreds of thoughts and worries for him to fall asleep. He sat and the counter nursing an empty mug, he was planning on filling it with tea but his thoughts had sidetracked him in the process. He sat there, staring blankly ahead...just thinking. About Ethan, about his dad, about his mum, about his childhood, about his future, about everything. He thought about one memory he had of him and his brother when they were younger. Young Ethan used to knock on his bedroom wall late at night when he couldn't sleep. Cal knew his younger brother's reason for knocking, Ethan was always scared of the dark, he could never sleep without a light on and so Cal would sneak into his room with a torch. They would lay together side by side making shadows on the ceiling with their hands and laughing quietly together until Ethan would eventually fall asleep. For him, this was such a comforting memory to have; it was a time they were together and at their happiest. Ethan stopped being so scared of the dark once his father died, he must have came to the realisation that there are things out there in the world that are much more scary.

There was a knock at the door that snapped him out of his thoughts; he looked up to find Zoe stood outside with tears in her eyes. "Cal I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" she whispered as she made her way over to him.  
"What? Why?" Cal asked confused.

"We've lost him..."


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

"We've lost him..." Zoe whispered.  
As she spoke, Cal felt his heart plummet; his whole body was filled with a numbness that covered him from head to toe. Memories flashed through his mind of when he got told his father had passed away.  
"No...He can't be, there, there's got to be some mistake" Cal whimpered as tears built in his eyes, "how?" He whispered in dread.  
"There was a bleed..." she explained reluctantly.  
"Oh God" Cal whimpered as he covered his face with his hands.  
"I'm so sorry" she spoke softly as she pulled the young doctor in for a hug; he broke down as she held him.  
"He's all I've got" he sobbed.  
"I know Cal, I know" Zoe whispered sadly in reply.  
"I want to see him" Cal spoke pulling away from her.  
"I don't think now is a good time" she replied sympathetically.  
"No Zoe please, I want to see my little brother" Cal urged as tears streamed from his eyes.

In the room where he last saw Ethan leave, he was back. His pale skin was even whiter, his lips were blue, but his face peaceful, he looked beautiful, almost angelic. "No" Cal whimpered as he turned to look away, horrified by his brother's body that lay before him.  
"You don't have to do this now Caleb" Zoe comforted.  
He ignored her and slowly made his way over to where his brother lay. He gently placed his hand in his brother's "he's still warm" Cal whispered as tears trickled down his cheeks. He leaned over and stroked his brother's blonde hair before he picked up his lifeless body and held it close, he gently laid his lips against his little brother's forehead "oh, why wasn't I there for you?" He sighed sadly as he cried. "Ethan wake up" he whispered, "come on, just open your eyes Nibbles!" He continued as tears streamed down his cheeks.  
"Cal..." Zoe's voice distantly called. "Wake up, Ethan wake up!" Cal roared desperately as he shook his brother's body.  
"Cal wake up" Zoe's voice spoke out again.  
"No, Ethan needs to wake up! He's not dead, he's not dead!" Cal sobbed as he buried himself into his brother.  
"Caleb" Zoe called again, Cal's eyes shot open and he found himself slumped over the staff room counter. He looked up at Zoe confused.  
"You got some sleep then?" She chuckled, getting nothing but a confused look from Cal she continued, "He's out" she spoke with a gleaming smile, "Everything went smoothly, couldn't have gone better really! They removed the gland and the cancer didn't localise so he's just got a long road of recovery to face, he'll be absolutely fine" she continued with a grin.  
"He's not dead?" Cal asked, still confused.  
"Dead?! No Cal he's upstairs about to wake up any minute so I think its best you head up there now" she suggested.

Cal stood up instantly and darted out of the staff room, straight up the stairs and burst into Ethan's room "Ethan!" He called breathlessly.  
"Shh Caleb, I've got the headache from hell" Ethan moaned silencing his brother.  
Ah did it feel good to hear his brother's moaning! Cal chuckled and made his way over to him examining him as he stood by his side "you look terrible" he whispered.  
"Well thanks" Ethan laughed sarcastically.  
"How are you feeling?" Cal asked.  
Many different answers to his brother's question ran through Ethan's mind...Tired, sick, hungry, thirsty, emotional, sore, but within all these feelings he came to one conclusion, "Cancer-free" Ethan replied as a smile beamed his face.  
Hearing this and seeing the huge smile on his younger brother's face warmed Cal's heart, "what now then?" He asked mischievously.  
"It's time to start living, I think" Ethan grinned.

 **You didn't really think I'd kill lovely Ethan off** ** _again_** **did you? ;) This is where this story comes to an end, that is unless anyone really wants me to continue with it then I'm sure I could come up with a way to do that, it's not a problem. I really hope you've enjoyed and I'm sorry this has been another emotional one. Thank you so so much for the reviews throughout this story, they made writing this all the more enjoyable, I wish I could give you all a massive hug! *Hugs screen*. As I said previously, I am aiming to post as much as I can this summer, I've been constantly writing for other stories as I've been posting these chapters and so I'm planning on getting a new story up sometime throughout the week (I'll try not to make it as emotional this time haha) Until then, its goodbye for now, Kayxxx :) X**


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